ugh and goodnight...postponed

trying and failing for positive reinforcement weighing heavily on mind
this need to regroup and refocus
but to be touched and to communicate my femininity
watching the moon as it slowly turns to full
faces me from these windy empty skies where i am staring in wonderment
at the abandoned reality i once held so dear
from my treepost i sit ready to attack my aggression
and tackle my fits of needy time
i try and fail again to read the book he blessed me with
and swim the laps i promised myself
instead i sink thru the quicksand of denial and depression
call out to any passersby to save me from my own exhausted wandering
wondering still where i am and how i got here
too tired really to go out looking for anything else
too scared to really face that empty bed and go it alone
too aware of my own ineffective transparency
too thin-skinned and beguiled by the light of day
far too long having eaten and bathed with only his blessing
feeling shell-shocked and worn down no good to no one anymore...
but praying still that i can be good for myself

forest universe

Too many of the good things end

I watch and learn the freying tides

hoping to jump ship at the right moment

believing only that all moments are right

if you have warm water around you

The silence of my once heart beats against the sound

of my tears falling

pooling in prisms within my memories

The silence of my classroom echoes back

against my mind's wish to turn back time's hands

and make so many more of these fine things and memories

I am still the wanton hunter

seeking refuge in the treeposts

looking out for a fine young buck... so to speak

of Primal and hungry for more of the same...

But with keener points

and stronger sinuea

meatier man to chew some fat with

or , at least , a more predictable field guide

through this forest universe

licking the wounds so that they heal

i am an aunt again... to a little light in the world named Sonia
who came into this world while her mother
bared down and breathed hard
her mother, my lovely friend who reminds me
of the woman i choose to be
who lives cautiously inside me
the woman i almost am
hers, whose hands give signs of peace and love
a visible love, tangible and almost breathable love....
something that i would love to have
a love that caresses me warmly in the nighttime and whispers sweet nothings to me and actual "i love you's"
wants to persuade my better judgement and make me swelter from the pure delight of it.... is it possible then?
Little Sonia says it is,
she cries "mama mia" and dreams of sucking while she sleeps... she dreams anyway, for her name is reminiscent of "sonio" or "sonyo"... to sleep, perchance to DREAM.

and here is where my heart lies

With these bits of clay and glass so earthen, and animal... they almost call out loud to me.

they struggled into their journey, sure as i did, continue to do so...
And i am blessed to have such lovely things with which to occupy my broken soul To heal me up and make me (almost) whole

Got revived again

the baby who almost came to be within me,

a share little someone, who i prayed and prayed to let go of, whose face i saw in many a dreamy moment, whose skin would have smelled a bit of the blue mediterranian, even if his skin were white as mine...

and the universe opened up the day that God saw fit to have him wait for another moment, in which to be alive... The sun shone ever brighter, and the air breathed oh so easier. And now i live in wonder and i heal and heal some more....

and one day i will be whole
and one day
i will be whole

and one day

i will be whole

and one day i will be whole

and one day i will be whole

and one day i will be whole
and one day i will be whole

and one day i will be whole

recovering chitown and lions

the descent into chicago
came so long after the new year
even the chinese had celebrated
with dragons and fire cracked before then

and patti griffin sang
at the wonderful warfield
melodies ensconced in turmoil
and conditioning to a better mindset

i spoke with Livia
of the north brazilian ever summer
about medicine and politics
green energy, and metaphisics, and
of all things, scrapbooking

i retreated with the folks who pay all of my bills
about business ethics and policy
( as exciting as it sounds )
had damn good meals
Avec my sweet surprise
and time for myself
almost
and welcomed the return home
more than ever,
while it poured down around us
on the tarmack awaiting liftoff
( connecting in LA is a bitch
if you want something other than McD's for dinner
and when you're surrounded by twenty people
all waiting for the seat you hope for
everybody waiting for the same reasons
or for lack of a better idea )

SPRING is now upon us
and time rolled forward yet again
i am checking off my list so slowly

refinement comes with each passing day
my little lion cub made it through the fire safely

and he's no worse for the ware

in fact, he and all of his fine friends made of the earth will one day find cozy homes in appreciative hands and i hope they serve as only the beginning of a mastery over the challenge to mold life from clay and infuse it with my fusion of energy and spitfire; elbow grease & gen mai breakfast breaks. this is only the beginning of the centering of my long wandering soul. these small fragments of me take the precident of my heart and mind these days, and while nothing else suffers for it, long live my days as a ceramicist! Cheers to spring and the long days of summer that so soon lie ahead.

ps: my japanese maple has been reawakened and the little leaves sprouting are a sure reason to rejoice, two years and still kickin'... my jasmine strands winding melancholy through the deck rails all show many blossoms, fragrent and freshly alive to the moonlight.. it is a reminder of the house of Sir Frances, which Tess will remember well, awash in a wall of jasmine overlooking the heart of SF. This is where i left my heart too.. except i haven't left yet. Perhaps i never will, but that seems unlikely.

winter soul-stace

25 deciembre

Hola & good morn'
sun
of god

percussioning day
eclipsing the power of night

Good morn to the sun
showering
mercifully the earth with its warmth and its light

Proud waves call to the sun
"Tame us!
Turn us free of our quaking & churning"

They hail out loud,
"Meet the sun!
Send us your christmas trees for the burning."

They sing "Hallelujah my sun!"
And they beat to the shores of their boundaries...
Clouds gather and roil, whilst this

the longer day unfolds,
and with it, the cleansing of earth's arteries.

holly days and pink eyes

uncompromising year, this, now nearly gone, left me feeling fitter than i did throughout much of it. still, i sit and ponder dreams of old gone lovers and times finding answers to many puzzles and ways out of many mazes.. ah, the epitomy of my life as it flashes before me and around me... comes glistening out of waterfalls and sunbeams, trails slowly round my unround belly as i make sense of my friends, longing for parenthood and scraping by with mere provisions while i have my cake and eat it too...
i am spoiled but not sullied, i am strong but still so very weak, i am learning things about my psyche that have been hidden behind all my vices, and i can scream if i want to, but still i find it hard to cry... my family, lo i love them dearly, still have not found ways to love eachother, nor has my husband learned to fully love me, but i know they all are trying, and that is what truly matters... to cease would be defeat, and we all couldn't live with that.... seeing as some of us have not gone on living, as we once had hoped they would, and some of us, wishing that things could be different, have gone on living in the only fashion we can see fit... and that is good enough... or it should be.
i have journeyed to the big island and the top of yosemite and back again; have danced till my legs were jelly and head pulsed from exhaustion and lack of water: have fasted for real and only glimpsed the extent of depletion that faith leads throngs of others into and out of again with a renewed appreciation toward longing; have walked a greener path and wispered sweet nothings to my green things with an ever greener thumb than i once had; i have enjoyed this year greatly, despite the war and the death and the need and the apathy, and still can thank god every day that i live... but i worry for the ones who do not, and will not, because of all this absurdity, and their own utter despair.
i can only say, "take heart, my brethren, because the world may not be fair, in fact it may brutal, and still you live and breath; the ground may be polluted, in truth it may cause our deaths, yet sill there are fine fruits falling from the trees and warm breezes in the nighttime; there may be no one there to console you, but still you may converse with the stars and hold vigile with constant waves crashing at any shoreline. take heart and hold your patience, keep an eye out for signs all around you, that everything will be ok, and one day you too can be happy god gave you this life."

greener than this

i have high hopes to become the advocate i know exists
deep down, past all my layers of weekness and instability,
of contempt and scorn for this modern day massacre we call the
civilized world...
i have put down my driver spirit
and picked up the plight of the underpriviledged
and still i feel sick for falling in love so easily
with convenience
and the God-forsaken American Way.
but i took courage from walking amongst
my fellow brow-beaten believers,
last weekend in SF for the Green Festival
(www.greenfestivals.org)
creating throngs of peaceful protectors
who hope for change, educate as they maneuver,
and pay heed to each prophets great appeal
to cast off these wicked ways and cherish our greaest gift:
the perfect and natural world.

...so many have taken to celebrating
for at least one political purpose enacted this November...
yet i spurn the ones insisting we have won something
when there are reports each day of the bloodshed of the innocent
and the warriors who think they can protect something precious with only bullets.
when there are ancient forests crying out because of the deep wounds suffered,
the battle scars of imperialism and commerce
in a world losing its wonder.
when people continue to go without basics
while others simply throw out their excess
and smirk over their shoulders
at the poor on their doorsteps.

Alice Walker said it right there,
when she asked how we could call our country a democracy
if the system fails because the poor people
can't afford to buy their own candidates?
Her book, "We Are The Ones We Have Been Waiting For"
seems keyed in to the war being waged on our spirit,
on our sense of security, on our very ability to
distinguish right from wrong...
and she brought back some of my wonder,
when she reminded me of the miracle of a single peach.

I learn much from Alice, as i do from Dr. David Suzuki,
a leading geneticist, who spoke so eloquently of the delicate balance between
our environment and the work it will take to restore and repair mankind's damage.
Great minds may think alike, yet they have a grave responsilibity to act on their innermost thoughts, to challenge the common flaws of our forebearers,
and create a plan of action to spread the wings of conscious cohesion,
finally taking to flight all of our dreams for health, happiness, and well-being.
There is a terrific need for personal accountability,
for radiant people poised on the graying pavement,
staring ever at the naked universe, once so small and dense.

Sat Santokh, the yogi propenent of inner peace leading to world peace,
gave openly to our collective energy,
sang on with a low rolling moan,
"Deep blue sea, baby deep blue sea,
Deep blue sea, baby deep blue sea,
Deep blue sea, Baby deep blue sea..
And now there's peace throughout the land,
And now there's peace
throughout the land, and o'er the deep blue sea..."
and we joined arms, and we made silence,
and i reminisced with the wilderness of Hetch Hetchy,
and saw tiny reflection pools of blues, greens, and goldens
carved out in cuppings all down the mountain...
and i remembered why i always find solace in these festivals of knowledge,
because i know down deep that if enough people show they care,
if enough voices call out in the daylight,
if enough dollars get put into enough of the more resposible pockets,
and if enough waste can be eliminated from our daily doings,
then just maybe our future generations will still have it so easy,
and maybe one or two species might be spared anihilation,
including our own...

Cheers and thank you!!! to the Green Festivals team,
Global Exchange & Co-Op America,
and to all of the amazing vendors, educators, and volunteers who made Green Festival Sf a reality for so many of us who are thirsty for revolution and inspiration.
Here are a short list of some of my favorite non-profits that i would be thrilled to support in any capacity, and which you may want to check out for yourself:

• Women's Global Green Action Network; Empowering grassroots women, linking resources to their needs, educating the global community, & forging a global movment. www.wggan.org
• Sustainable Harvest International; Planting hope, Restoring forests, Nourishing Communities. www.sustainableharvest.org
• Heifer International; End world hunger by providing livestock, trees, & training to struggling families around the globe. www.heifer.org
• Trees for the Future; Planting trees to help people and the environment. www.plant-trees.org
• Co-Op America; Economic actions for a just planet. www.coopamerica.org
• GreenDimes; Planting a tree for each dime you give, stopping your hideous junk mail! www.greendimes.com
• World Centric; Reducing environmental degradation and injustice through education, community networks, and sustainable enterprises like "Biocompostables". www.worldcentric.org

Check out CoOpAmerica's National Green Pages, published with a full listing of green, fair trade, and sustainable businesses! And here are some of my favorites at the festival, all of whom i would have gladly purchased from, (and some i did!) had i but unlimited resources and felt a bit more fancifully consumer-minded.

Please DO check out these websites in lui of heading to your Walmart, Home Depot, or Target; because when you buy there, you may save some pennies, but you will lose a part of our collective soul. These companies which i recommend supporting bring new promise of a better tomorrow and care more about the impact of their products than they do about their overall profits:

• Biocompostables; Not just disposable, but COMPOSTABLE! alternatives for serving food on the go; the plates, cups, utensils, straws. etc. are made entirely from suger cane, potato starch, and corn and can be composted and break down within 30-90 days, saving trees from being cut for paper plates, and providing alternative to plastics which may take tens of years to break down, if they ever do. Every vendor at the festival used this product and every restaurant and scho0l which serve food disposably in this city should take a lesson! It's not difficult to switch to an earth-friendly fork, it merely takes your will and a dedication to what's right! www.worldcentric.org
• To-Go Ware; Another great resource for conscious cutlery. Reusable, very chic and made from sustainable wood. www.to-goware.com
• Green Zebra; A savings guide based on eco-aware businesses you may already be buying from. Feel good about the money you spend and save! $25. www.thegreenzebra.org
• Living Tree Paper Company; A pioneer for paper products with environmental benefit, made from agricultural fibers, post-consumer waste, and some FSC certified wood. www.livingtreepaper.com
• Inkworks Press; Safe and environmental printing company based in Berkeley, get all you pamphlets, zines, and self-promotions printed here! www.inkworkspress.org
• Peaceful Company; all the holistic, organic, rechargable, meditative, inspirational, and peaceful stuff for your gift buying needs. www.peacefulcompany.com
• Pangea Organics; ..And especially if you're buying a gift for me, i want something luscious from Pangea Organics! This awesome company from Colorado, boasts entirely plant based skin and body products, which are paraben-free, use only essional oils, use only compostable non-paper-packaging! The only way you could get something more natural is if you just slather yourself in pure milk and honey. www.pangeaorganics.com
• Global Exchange; Another source for clothing & gifts of all kind, all from fair trade unions, and directly supporting underprivaledged communities. Your purchases help to bring a living wage to all peoples, and educate those in the community about their purchasing powers. www.globalexchange.com

There are so many alternatives to sweat shop-made clothing made from chemically altered or sythetic fibers with harmful dyes, which is what represents the majority of clothing options in America. The alternatives are there, but only if you are looking! Here were just a few of my favorites:

• Speesees; Organic, huggable, squeazable clothing for babies and young'uns. www.speecees.com
• Faeryn's Grove Sustainables; Corset, bridal, Couture from sustainable, organic, tracable textiles. www.mycorset.com
• More Trees Clothing Co.; fashion for ecological renewal. www.moretreeshemp.com
• Temple Bella Clothing; ecofriendly clothing for all your vivacious curves. www.templebellaclothing.com
• Happy Green Bee; Another bounty for swaddling our bebe! www.happygreenbee.com

The list is growing of companies branching out to make products that conserve and protect our vital resources. But we must support them with our money and tell others all we know, including our fine representatives in government, our community schools, our church groups, our local media... everyone! We must demand better options to blind decision making & to our endless needless waste. We must start believing that our coffee cup matters, and so does the dollar in our hand!

Please visit the Chicago Green Festival, Apr.22-23, 2007 and check out www.greenfestivals.org to find one near you or to get involved!

cheers and namaste.