holly days and pink eyes

uncompromising year, this, now nearly gone, left me feeling fitter than i did throughout much of it. still, i sit and ponder dreams of old gone lovers and times finding answers to many puzzles and ways out of many mazes.. ah, the epitomy of my life as it flashes before me and around me... comes glistening out of waterfalls and sunbeams, trails slowly round my unround belly as i make sense of my friends, longing for parenthood and scraping by with mere provisions while i have my cake and eat it too...
i am spoiled but not sullied, i am strong but still so very weak, i am learning things about my psyche that have been hidden behind all my vices, and i can scream if i want to, but still i find it hard to cry... my family, lo i love them dearly, still have not found ways to love eachother, nor has my husband learned to fully love me, but i know they all are trying, and that is what truly matters... to cease would be defeat, and we all couldn't live with that.... seeing as some of us have not gone on living, as we once had hoped they would, and some of us, wishing that things could be different, have gone on living in the only fashion we can see fit... and that is good enough... or it should be.
i have journeyed to the big island and the top of yosemite and back again; have danced till my legs were jelly and head pulsed from exhaustion and lack of water: have fasted for real and only glimpsed the extent of depletion that faith leads throngs of others into and out of again with a renewed appreciation toward longing; have walked a greener path and wispered sweet nothings to my green things with an ever greener thumb than i once had; i have enjoyed this year greatly, despite the war and the death and the need and the apathy, and still can thank god every day that i live... but i worry for the ones who do not, and will not, because of all this absurdity, and their own utter despair.
i can only say, "take heart, my brethren, because the world may not be fair, in fact it may brutal, and still you live and breath; the ground may be polluted, in truth it may cause our deaths, yet sill there are fine fruits falling from the trees and warm breezes in the nighttime; there may be no one there to console you, but still you may converse with the stars and hold vigile with constant waves crashing at any shoreline. take heart and hold your patience, keep an eye out for signs all around you, that everything will be ok, and one day you too can be happy god gave you this life."