2010 brought home to me the desires of my heart, mingled with the mysteries of marriage which have eluded me for 13 yrs... should've known that it would take me that long (13 being powerful to me) to understand how masterfully i fucked up two marriages, by never fully understanding what my role was in them, and what the other person expected of me, by never admitting to myself that i was involved in a "marriage" agreement... and by just generally feigning interest in being married, when really i am an entity wholy unto myself...
Lawrence Ferlinghetti wrote this poem, which i have often thought of as a perfect epitaph to my marriages, in whole:
In Golden Gate Park that day
a man and his wife were coming along
thru the enormous meadow
which was the meadow of the world
He was wearing green suspenders
and carrying an old beat-up flute
in one hand
while his wife had a bunch of grapes
which she kept handing out
individually
to various squirrels
as if each
were a little joke
And then the two of them came on
thru the enormous meadow
which was the meadow of the world
and then
at a very still spot where the trees dreamed
and seemed to have been waiting thru all time
for them
they sat down together on the grass
without looking at each other
and ate oranges
without looking at each other
and put the peels
in a basket which they seemed
to have brought for that purpose
without looking at each other
And then
he took his shirt and undershirt off
but kept his hat on
sideways
and without saying anything
fell asleep under it
And his wife just sat there looking
at the birds which flew about
calling to each other
in the stilly air
as if they were questioning existence
or trying to recall something forgotten
But then finally
she too lay down flat
and just lay there looking up
at nothing
yet fingering the old flute
which nobody played
and finally looking over
at him
without any particular expression
except a certain awful look
of terrible depression
With this realization, i have had serious dreams, bringing up memories of my first husband, whom i loved but never truly understood, and whom i idolized but never truly respected. The dreams, and subsequent email conversations i had with him, led me to better understand how deeply the relationship affected him, and how the trauma of the whole event was something i ran fast and hard from, forgetting rather than feeling what it was i needed to feel, to let go...
My second husband... hmm?
As i was finally coming to understand my second husband, whom i have shared my life with for ten years, our love and trust rekindled following so many years of turmoil and subterfuge, the courts in the end decided to give us release.. HA!!! Thus is the crux of my "long gone" ideas of what marriage is, what it means, how it behaves, etc... No longer married by design or by dictate, now only married in my heart to the man i still love and grow with. The relief of this bears down on me, leaving my heart a smiling guide to my destiny.
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