controling the uncontrolled

Burning brighter days now
where i sit and sift the sad sands of time
through my ever-increasing sense of self,
whilst i watch the people passing me by
and turn to hear their distant comments on the air
..so aware..
and so in dispair,
for this inability to change into the one
to ease all others pain,
to find myself in love again,
to be a better self-less soul,
to have a code of honor which i can rightly live by,
but which is of all things my own..

I am standing on the brink of thirty,
looking at ten years into which my deepest fears have shown
the vast emptiness which lies within me,
whenever my mind tries too hard to wonder why,
and whenever i cannot master the yearnings of my foolish body,
which takes too much pleasure in the passions of my youth;
and whenever too i turn to find my soulmate,
and can only watch as he eludes my every step,
is just out of reach
or is simply wearing a mask that i cannot see beyond.
But i myself can never wear this mask, i have been reminded,
i myself can only wear my heart and my severity,
to cold light of day which greets me,
and beckons me forth on this journey,
wearing the most transparent sense of self i can muster,
and ready for almost anything, as i have never once been dissappointed...